It's time to be judged.
When our oldest son was just 2, my husband and I enrolled him in a local preschool program. We thought it would be a great way to get him to interact with other kids his age and help prepare him for the inevitable sibling. D's class met once a week for one hour and a parent or guardian had to accompany him. When I call the class controlled chaos I am being generous.
We're talking about a dozen or so 2 year olds let loose in a large room. Now add a dozen or so neurotic parents. Mix well and garnish with judgement.
The first 45 minutes of the class was "free" time. There were tables with 2 or 3 projects for the children (parents) to complete and an activity table full of dried rice or corn and shelves full of toys.
During this time I am coaxing D to complete projects when all he wants to do is play with the toy cars. In the meantime little Olivia Over-Achiever completes her third project because she actually USES the glue stick instead of trying to EAT it. Say hello to the next Georgia O'Keefe.
The last 15 minutes of the class is "circle" time. A delightful torture for all the parents but especially if your child is Adam ADHD or Amanda Aspbergers. Here the kids play "Ring Around The Rosy" and sing other songs. You pray your child will participate and not behave like the next Ted Kaczinski.
The "teacher" takes "roll" by asking each child a question loosely related to the projects they were supposed to have completed. You know your child knows the answer. You know that your child is smart - smarter than Olivia Over-Achiever. You don't want your child pigeon-holed at such an early age for being shy. For a brief period you wish that you were Edgar Bergen and your child is Charlie McCarthy.
As time goes on, D becomes accustomed to the routine and the real fun (judging) begins. Let's meet the parents.
With only 1 or 2 exceptions I am the oldest parent. At this point I had not yet turned 30. The rest of the parents had graduated High School some time after I'd gotten married. For several of them the 2 year old in this class was not their FIRST child.
Their parenting styles cover the spectrum. There were the ones I couldn't help but envision sitting on the porch with a cigarette in one hand and a Pabst in the other screaming at Mikey Mullet to stop wasting ammo on squirrels because they were having coon for dinner. There were others who looked as if they'd walked out of an Abercrombie & Fitch ad with their co-ordinated child in tow. Toddlers are a better accessory than a Dooney & Bourke bag but they don't hold as much. Then there was the mom who sat and texted the entire HOUR while her poor son ran around trying to grasp a nanosecond of her attention by acting out and picking fights with the other 2 year olds. It's ONE hour of your day. Turn off your phone - you're not THAT important. Give your child what he needs most - YOU.
It all begins so early.
The end of October brought our first class party and the holiday bags that parents are asked to bring a treat for. I'm excited.
Then I get the 4 page list.
Nothing can be home-made for the party. No fresh-baked cookies. No cupcakes with tombstones made out of Milano cookies. No "dirt" pudding with a shovel to dish it out. Everything must be prepackaged.
But that's not all.
The treats for the treat bags cannot be anything that contains nuts or peanut butter. They cannot be anything that was made or processed or packaged in a facility that makes, processes or packages nuts or peanut butter. They cannot be anything that is made, processed or packaged in a facility where someone once said the word "nuts" or "peanut butter".
Have you ever read the backs of prepackaged foods? Finding something outside of the above mentioned list is an arduous task. It's a laugh-riot scavenger hunt. EVERYTHING is made, processed or packaged in a facility where someone at some point once whispered the word "nuts" or "peanut butter".
Pretzels, cheesy crackers, animal crackers, the list goes on. To be fair there are some brands that are nut and peanut butter free, but that list is short.
So after what seems like an eternity scanning all of the possibilities at my local price club I strike gold.
Kellogg's Rice Krispie Treats.
No one has ever thought the word "nuts" or "peanut butter" within a 10 mile radius of that facility. I am elated. Being only 2, D hadn't been exposed to many sweet, treaty things. I know he will love this and so will the other kids. Plus the mess factor is relatively low (slightly sticky fingers) as is the choke hazard.
With my prize in hand I take D to his first Halloween party at school. He happily sticks the shiny blue packages into the bags with the construction paper Jack O'Lanterns. We dine on cheese and crackers and Jell-O jigglers (all pre-packaged). At the end of the hour we take our over-stuffed treat bag home.
Tootsie rolls, Laffy Taffy, gummie bears, SweeTarts, every conceivable choking hazard is inside - but none manufactured in a nut or peanut butter facility. Plus spider rings, erasers and pencils. Over half of the bag is taken up by other, smaller treat bags stuffed full of this junk. All labeled "To my friend from Olivia Over-Achiever (or Shane Show-Off or even Mikey Mullet)".
They're 2!!!
They've finally gotten their teeth in and already we're trying to rot them out! The only thing D knows to do with the erasers and rings is to stick them in his mouth. He can't read the label that tells him who gave him this stuff. What is REALLY going on here?
Out of the entire bag the only thing that D can eat is the treat that we brought and a bag of cinnamon bear crackers. The rest sits in a bowl on the counter for my husband and I to loot.
As the next party rolls around the process begins again...with the same result.
And I torture myself. Do I keep up with the Joneses? Do I purchase meaningless crap that the children don't need and can't use just so my child won't be judged?
It's a delicate balance we have to walk. Trying to be a parent that isn't a social liability while still making sure your child won't compulsively follow the crowd isn't easy.
We make sure everything is labeled for the appropriate child - not to the generic "my friend". I can take 5 minutes out of my day to copy the names of the kids in his class from off of their lockers. We make sure we get something nice and useful, but not over the top.
We remember that this is about the kids and NOT the parents.
I am laying down arms because this is a war I cannot win. I can't please all the parents, all the time. I can only be the best parent I can be to MY children and ensure they have a happy childhood full of quality time with their parents and family. That doesn't mean I have to make origami gift baskets full of the "it" toys and candy for every kid in the elementary school.
I'll leave that job to the Joneses.
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